Lasers in My Eyes

I lived! But that’s not a low point, ergo we don’t care.

There are things about Lasik that really suck that no one seems to mention. Well played, society, well played. So you know about all the risks going in — you could go blind, it couldn’t work, you might still need glasses, etc. etc. and you make the crazy choice anyhow, but there’s this other stuff.

Stuff and things. You know how much I love stuff and things.

First, the eye shields. I had in my mind something akin to a plastic sleep mask or perhaps tanning bed glasses, but in fact, they’re two enormous plastic round things with holes all over them that you literally tape to your face. You tape them. You tape them to your face. And, as luck would have it, you get to wear them the remainder of your operation day AND then every time you sleep for the rest of the week. This is probably not that bad if you only sleep at night, but if you’re like me and partake in a daily ritual nap, it becomes more of a hassle. Also you look like this:

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When you look like this, you just have to pop on a cancer hat.

Yeah. Hot. I know.

Second, eye drops. And I know what you’re thinking — eye drops aren’t that big of a deal and people use them all the time. A brief reminder of a popular childhood song: “The leg bone’s connected to the ankle bone, the ankle bone’s connected to the foot bone” (Yeah. Foot bone. You only have one okay?) etc. ad nauseum. All those bones just connected. As it turns out, your tear ducts are connected to your nasal passages and your nasal passages are connected to your throat and your throat is connected to your tastebuds. So you can see where I’m going with this.

I’m a little wary about whether or not it’s okay for me to ingest eye drops, but … it’s happening regardless, and I don’t want my eyes to get infected because then I’d go blind or die.

Third, as much as you hold out some major hope for it, you do not end up with 20/10 X-ray vision within a couple of days. As it turns out, you still have blurred, fluctuating vision. They told me to expect this. They wrote it down on paper. I knew it might take a full month. Never mind all that — I want to have supersonic vision and I want to have it now.

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Image courtesy of ajourneytothin.com

So. I mean, I’m doing pretty well. My eyeballs no longer hurt, and although I have to wear these really dorky wraparound sunglasses that leave marks on my cheeks to go outside, that seems like a pretty small price to pay to go from 20/600 eyesight to what I’m guesstimating is around 20/50. In only three days. For only a gazillion dollars.

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